20 Tips on How To Recover From Sexual Assault
I am a black person. There is another person in my town with the same name who is white and is only a few years older than me. (Hi Karen!😁) I would go to the pharmacy and they sometimes get our medications mixed up. So no political statement here. Just tryin' to keep people out of her hair!
To see a copy of polygraphs & other
documents verifying this post, please click the "Supporting
Documents" tab.
Thank
you for the #love and support so far!
The
polygraph test and examiner's findings can be found under the "Supporting Documents" Tab verifying that I was the victim
of revenge porn. The why was so stupid for ruining my life, its hard sometimes
to think about.
So
when I was a kid, I practiced kissing with my cousin. I found myself not
attracted to black men in my race because of it.
I was
at an event as a teen with my then boyfriend who was white. A man who was black
and much older than the two of us, came over and asked,
"Young
lady, what color rose would you like?"
I
couldn't understand what he was saying. So I kissed on my boyfriend's cheek and
said, "you mean this color?" (sic)
The
black man looked at me and said,
"Young
lady, that is the biggest mistake of your life."
After
he walked away, my boyfriend said, "I kept trying to tell you
'white'" out of the side of his mouth. I wanted to tell him sorry, but he
was gone. We laughed about it later and didn't think anything of it. And why
would we? What was it about two people he didn't know personally that would
cause him to do anything? (This was before others in black society clued me in
on what an affront that is to black men and the double standard.)
A few
months later when I moved to Atlanta and tried to model. I signed the release form with the black photographer and began the shoot. Like a million young
women before me, I was given just a small glass of wine to "loosen things
up. I believe his #words were "because you're too tense."
Next
thing I know, more wine and waking up the next day groggy.
He
did not answer the phone ever from the number he gave me. Now this was back in
1992, before the internet and cell phones. I wasn't aware of what #sexual
#harassment was or any other #issue surrounding women's #rights like I do
today. Turns out I had a legal right for 3 days to ask for the contract back.
The
why was so stupid for ruining my life, its hard sometimes to think about.
How
This All Started
So
when I was a kid, I practiced kissing with my cousin. I found myself not
attracted to black men in my race because of it.
I was
at an event as a teen with my then boyfriend who was white. A man who was black
and much older than the two of us, came over and asked,
"Young
lady, what color rose would you like?"
I
couldn't understand what he was saying. So I kissed on my boyfriend's cheek and
said, "you mean this color?"(sic)
The
black man looked at me and said,
"Young
lady, that is the biggest mistake of your life."
After
he walked away, my boyfriend said, "I kept trying to tell you
'white'" out of the side of his mouth. I wanted to tell him sorry, but he
Set
it Off
A few
months later when I moved to Atlanta and tried to model. I signed the release corm
with the black photographer and began the shoot. Like a million young women
before me, I was given just a small glass of wine to "loosen things up. I
believe his #words were "because you're too tense." This
was back in the early 90s, when there was no Uber and no cell phones, only 1
hour waits for a cabs and pay phones. I was in another city and had no way to
get help.
I was
nervous, because I was 18 and didn't want to upset the guy, so I drank what was
offered. The photo shoot was a haze.
(See
statutes below regarding contributing to the delinquency of a minor and the
Minor's lack of fault under Georgia law.)
Next
thing I know, more wine and waking up the next day groggy.
I
realized I had made a mistake and called him to cancel the contract. He did not
answer the phone ever from the number he gave me. Now this was back in 1992,
before the internet and cell phones. I wasn't aware of what #sexualharassment
was or any other #issue surrounding women's #rights like I do today. Turns out
I had a legal right for 3 days to ask for the contract back in the state of
Georgia.
He
put the pictures in a black porn magazine, sending my life into free fall. I am
of the opinion it was the "screw you nigress" of a lifetime from
black men who demand loyalty from black women, while dating the #whitewomen of this world.
My
life went into a spiral. I had been raped multiple times from 1992 to 2017.
They were spaced out. The first few were 3 date rapes, a work rape at a club,
and some groping incidents. I mentally cracked up and went into
seclusion.
Remember,
this is 20 years before the #meetoo movement got under way and people just
didn't see women who were single or worked at a club as a victim. (A mentality
that unfortunately is holding steady in certain parts of society still.)
But
what was the most debilitating was the gossip around town after I went through
these things solidifying me as the problem. Meanwhile, their love ones were
coddled and reassured of their value as people.
On
the Mend
One
day, I saw a program in which a woman discussed how she got her life back from
years of mental and emotional abuse from her husband. She made the decision
that she had had enough and it was time to reinvent her life. It was at that
moment that I understood that how I handle things from here was a choice. I
understand that there are people in this world that will identify and validate
themselves off of their slights and pot shots and my miss steps in life. But I
choose to try again anyway and make my life better while I can.
I
journaled for a while; then researched other women and men (yes; these guys are
being forgotten) and how they handled their assaults. It took everything; my
basic list was this:
1)
Speak to God.
This
is surprisingly effective. Word of caution: Don't yell at God. He is
loving, but righteous. A man spoke against God in the church in Ireland a few
years back, and was hit by lightening. So reverence is definitely the way to
go.
He
does love you. He did not approve of their actions. They will answer.
To
see more about getting saved, see Jesus Is Lord under the Religious tab.
2)
Positive Music Playlists that make me feel loved and strong.
Music
is so powerful; a recent study showed that music being played can actually
stave off Alzheimer's disease.(NBC Nightly News, Jan 2019). Use it to your
advantage. Make your own or find other ones procured on You Tube and elsewhere.
If a song stops making you feel good, ditch it. Your mind healing is the goal.
3)
Watching movies that inspired me to keep living.
There
are many to choose from; all that matters is that it makes you smile.
Children's movies are not off limits either. As a matter of fact, probably the
safest bet for non-landmine scenes that could trigger bad memories of the
attack.
4)
Getting around other people
I had
to do this and highly suggest it. Beware of the frenemy in the mix. If you
detect one among you and no one in the group stands up for you, bale. No need
for a double emotional whammy at this time you are healing. This, sadly does
include the church world sometimes. I'm not saying stay away from church, just
choose to protect yourself in every way. That is completely normal.
5)
Going to and listening to empowering people in media who have chosen to fight
back against sex crimes against humanity.
The
Women's march is so beautiful and broad, it is individual and everyone at the
same time. I felt so less alone just watching in the shadows that my story is
of a larger fabric and that people globally are fighting back.
6)
Stayed in contact with family.
At
one point I isolated away; having a plan for this by asking people to check on
you is great. Warning though on this; make sure this isn't the family or friend
that can't help put take a moment to criticize you at a vulnerable moment. If
they have ever done anything like that in the past, find someone else to check
in on you.
7)
Laugh!
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advertising to the blogger.
Find
things that make your brain jog loose of what is bothering you at the time: I
am a REAL fan of Memes and jokes sent to me unexpectedly. Even if you have to
sign up for a service, do it!
8)
Motivational speakers
Motivational
speakers that make you get up and want to get moving is an extremely powerful
thing. I highly suggest finding about 1 to 3 you can listen to intermittently.
9)
Exercise.
May I
suggest kickboxing? Anything that will get your blood pumping to the brain to
stave off depression.
10)
Give yourself a break
With down
the words, "I forgive you." and "It's not your fault." Say
it to yourself in the mirror. I don't know the phenomena that has victims
blaming themselves or where it got started, but this helped. IT IS NOT AND
NEVER WILL BE OUR FAULT THIS HAPPENED TO US. PERIOD.
11)
Make Motivational Tapes for yourself.
Custom
making these to get up each day that are designed especially for you will help
you encourage yourself to feel better. Whatever it is, say it with feeling;
feel free to put it to music."
This post is paid
advertising to the blogger.
(I
wrote this on another page 8 + years ago in another post.)
12)
Take warm baths. Lots of them.
Simple
pleasures and comfort are always a good way to calm down. Warm baths have that
cocoon effect like when you felt safe as a newborn. Find calming scents:
Sandalwood, Vanilla, and Lavender or maybe if you want a pick me up, try
Bergamot!
13)
Find a way constructive way to vent the anger.
This
should not go on forever, but until you can get it under control, plan on
packing a pillow to the hilt,
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advertising to the blogger.
This is a paid ad.
Put
it at chest level, and get to wailing on it. Whatever it takes to vent the
anger on anything but another person or living thing is fine. Scream if you
have to (give the neighbors a heads up) but get it out. This took time for me.
I still get pissed off, but it is getting less and less often that it happens.
14)
Journal
The
more you express your feelings, the less you have to hold on to it. It works
like anything else you have to remember. Think about how much less stress you
have when you make a quick grocery list instead of trying to remember the 15
items off the top of your head. Same thing with your journal. Get it down so
you get keep it out of your head. If something comes up to torment you, put it
down, and deal with it later. But the key is to keep moving forward.
15)
Take time to meditate.
I'm
not Buddhist, but when I sat still in a quiet place and just let my self relax,
it was the greatest moment ever. There was no thoughts or noise, just honest
peace. This is a great thing to practice (need to get back to it) so that you
can recharge in the middle of your day. (My preferred time when I could do it.)
16)
Get plenty of sleep.
I do
not like or approve of pills; However, if you feel you need something to sleep
(I did after 9/11) then do so. Do what is necessary to get rest. It has been
proven that to keep the human body alive, adequate sleep must occur. (There is
a case in Europe where a German man died for lack of sleep). Chamomile tea and
various organic options are on the market today if you prefer; just make sure
it is a healthy amount. How do you know?
According
to Web MD, 7-9 hours is appropriate for Adults, 8-10 for teens, and 9 to 13
hours for 6 to 13 year-olds. However, they also reported that it could be an
hour more or less for each individual. What's important is that you keep your
physical body recharged.
Warning:
although melatonin seems safe, major issues can occur with it. Talk to a doctor
before you use it if at all.
17)
Eat super healthy
Loving
yourself by feeding it the best you can get a hold of is a way of conditioning
yourself to be kind to yourself. It will also signal to those around you that
this is a respect zone. Simple, but true. Fruits and Vegetables are designed to
feed your body's immune system, which keeps you fighting multiple battles of
both health and being depressed about what had happened to you.
Keep
the fridge stocked with your favorite healthy snacks to have on hand at a
moments notice.
I
found out that some fat in your diet keeps the synapsis in your brain pliable
and functioning, so don't crash diet, especially now. Love yourself, and NO
GUILT on that occasional French fry!
18)
Stay away from psychiatrists
I
know what I said about talking about it and adequate sleep, but hear me out on
this. Today's psychiatric community is pharmaceutical driven as well as
financially tied to the governments in some places.
NBC
Nightly News ran a story verifying this fact that pharmaceutical companies will
pay doctors a bonus if they manage to prescribe X number of pills a month. You
are not on the earth to cover the cost of their golf outing. If you fall
through the cracks like I did, you will be on a constant carousel of pills and
hospitals well after you have recovered.
However,
there are support groups for individuals like us who still needed to talk about
it. See the list of resources at the end of this post for where you can find
one in your area.
19)
Learn Self Defense
Don't
have enough cash to take a self defense course? Hit the internet. Hard. You
Tube is full of them, so get some friends and start practicing. Learn how to
walk around in the dark while sharpening your senses especially of hearing and
smell. It takes a second to remember something about your surroundings in case
something else happens.
20)
Making it Official
I
took a lie detector test with a polygraph examiner named Stan Fulmer from North
Carolina. He has a 41 year track record with law enforcement in 18 states. He
is still working today in multiple states including for the court system where
he testifies in various cases still in North Carolina.
If
his word is good enough to catch murders, pedophiles an thieves for police
departments throughout the United States, then it is good enough for me.
It was
just one moment in a world of "he said/she said" that I needed to
have tangible in my hand to say, "Okay. I will start from here. All I
can do is go up from here." (It also was because of the frightening string
of violence unfolding on television of murders like Trevon Martin and other
people of color going unanswered so boldly by the US justice system. Even with
that, it did not keep me from the reality of violence, which you can read about
here on my post My Walk with Police Brutality.)
I
thank God for women (and MEN) who chose to step up before the #metoo movement
got underway. It takes all kinds of people in the shadows of such a movement up
to the day it breaks to make things happen. I believe the #metoo movement
validates them for years of the struggle behind the scenes and allows them
cover to soldier on in the fight for justice for women without looking weak.
What
now?
I am
now a blogger and author. I am working on a book (follow my social media pages
by clicking the links above) will I am trying to sort things out in this time
where women are really being heard. (The last congressional race floored me.
Women Unite! Yeah!) So, now instead of just saying I think things are going to
get better, I actually see it starting with my own eyes.
But
that not all. The MeToo movement has birthed many spin off movements and court
cases that have breathed life into weary souls everywhere. Specifically the
fall of Bill Cosby, R Kelly, Les Moonves, and other high profile individuals.
Law enforcement has made it loud and clear; we hear you. I still have to pinch
myself when I see the news these days and women of all walks of life and colors
are now able to speak about this no longer accepted fake fact-of-life that we
were trained to believe is here to stay.
FYI.
In the polygraph statement I mention I was under duress to do explicit things.
This does not mean just this modeling shoot. There were other factors that more
#polygraph tests may be required to clarify. But for now I am still fighting
back each day to get my footing back from being destroyed by his choice. But in
this #metoo era, I feel less alone.
Please
share this post with as many people as you feel comfortable. Who knows? It may
help someone else feel less horrible about what happened to them.
Feel
free to PRINT OFF A COPY OF THE LIE DETECTOR TEST and results. There's more in
it that implicates others and it will keep them honest. Pass it around if you'd
like. The more people in the know, the faster I can put this matter to rest.
Thank
you.
To
Action!
This
is some of my favorite resources to go to in case you or someone you know have
been sexually assaulted. Though not an exhaustive list, it should get things
going; the rest of the links are below.
People
Against Rape:
They
have a page that tells you what to do right away.
https://www.peopleagainstrape.org/immediate-steps
RAINN
(Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network)
This
is without question one of the most well-known networks for resources for
victims of such abuse.
(https://www.rainn.org)
https://www.rainn.org/articles/steps-you-can-take-prevent-sexual-assault
1 in 6 (One in Six)
This organization is for males that have been sexually assaulted. It is run by RAINN, who is highly experienced in handling trauma from such. It is time for men to be able to talk about this.
Hotline: 1-800-273-TALK (8255)
Website: The 1 in 6 Statistic - Sexual Abuse and Assault of Boys and Men
Suggestion: NOT A NECESSITY
Spoof your phone number meaning set it to anonymous to get some privacy is something you might want to consider. (Especially if you are famous). I'm not saying they are indiscrete; I am saying people are nosy. Think about voice software to scramble voice.
If
you are a victim of a sexual assault or crime, do not hesitate to contact your
local law enforcement office to file a complaint. TAKE SOMEONE WITH YOU. Even
though the "Me Too" movement is in full swing, it doesn't mean that
you won't be met with skepticism. You will want support in the room so you can
remember any details you forgot, and you won't feel like you are isolated and
bullied.
Me
Too
https://metoomvmt.org/
The
Metoomovement.org website has a list of national websites including help for incarcerated women who have been victims
of sexual assault. The link for that page of resources is here:
To
find emotional, legal, and other kinds of help:
https://metoomvmt.org/advocacy-resources-library/national-resources/
Stan
Fulmer
The
polygraph examiner that gave me my polygraph test has over 35 years of
experience. He has worked with law enforcement to catch murderers, pedophiles,
and others in lies in 15 states over 35 years.
To See my Review of Stan
Fulmer's Services, click the Consumer Tab.
